Category Archives: Sex and Love

Memoirs of a Sigma Female

I have been fascinated for some time with the power dynamics of the pack or tribe and have read with amusement since my early 20’s the slew of PUA (Pick Up Artist) books written by omega males pretending to be alpha males. Hint, wanna-be’s: alpha males don’t look for one-night stands. As in the animal kingdom, they display dominance by regularly protecting and providing for their mate — or multiple mates, concurrently, not consecutively. Omega pick-up artists don’t generate enough income to protect and provide sufficiently for themselves on a regular basis, never mind for a mate and multiple offspring. Having that much income is yet another way the alpha male displays his dominance. (Reader, if you’re wondering why I read these PUA books, it was so I could learn their m.o. and protect myself against such tactics. However, these omega males have a very distinct scent in their sweat so it turns out I never really had to worry about it because I would smell them coming my way before they ever got so much as my name.)

 

 

So over the course of investigating the differences between alpha, beta and omega men, I was exposed to articles and books regarding the characteristics of alpha, beta and omega females as well. I always felt like I was just none of these and wasn’t sure what to make of it (long story short: alphas are hyper confident leaders, betas are loyal worker bees, and omegas are — to be very very frank and oversimplify it way too much — losers). So I started looking more into the traits of actual wolves to discern the real world roles these tribal/pack roles play and found out there was such a thing as a sigma wolf. Sigmas are interesting: in the wild, they find themselves alone because they refuse to accept the authority of the alpha. Ironically, as a lone wolf, the need for survival itself forces them to adapt and to accept the role of alpha that nature thrusts upon them so that they can find a mate. Wolves’ prey is much larger than they are. They need at least one other wolf to help attack and kill dinner in order to eat it. (And you know what happens after dinner, with all that romantic snow and picked-over carcass. SEX. And 2 months later, the beginnings of a new pack. OMG, cute little baby wolves!! SO CUTE!! DYING OVER HERE!!!!!) **Also, I have terribly glossed over the traits and mating patterns of wolves in the wild so there’s that.**

 

 

 

**slightly related tweet about wolves from last month

 

 

Extrapolating that fascinating information, we can see that a sigma human too rejects the ranking and categorizing so prevalent in traditional human hierarchies, but will, in order to survive, “deal with it,” as it were. Sigmas overwhelmingly prefer not to be controlled — in other words, they seek autonomy. But because they have no inclination to control others, they avoid leadership positions. But they can lead. If they absolutely have to. (PUKE. Like during “team playing”! Where one person does all the work but everyone gets credit for it! Guess who does all the work to make sure the team isn’t let down? Yeah, SIGMAS. Fan-freaking-tastic. Avoid groups and group projects like the PLAGUE!) So, ok, I thought, that’s more like me.

 

 

Now, I’ve found that alphas are generally not that bad. Especially alpha females: they like me and I respect them. Alpha males are assholes. Bottom line. Even if they’re good, they’re horrible. Vengeful. Vindictive. Mean. Self-righteous. But they will jump in front of a train if it means the survival of at least two other members of the tribe. So, I guess we all have our bad points. And they reply to that short list of traits with, “True, true, true, true — but I thought you were going to mention my bad traits?” HA HA, so FUNNY, alpha males. Actually, alpha males and females have a great sense of humor and you get points with them for being funny — and for being brave. So if you ever find yourself around one, that’s how you get their protection. (If you *want* their protection — suffice it to say, there are good alphas and bad alphas and the price of their protection will be perpetual loyalty.)

 

And Betas can be decent friends; but they gossip, a lot, and rank and social status are very important to them. And most people are betas. Betas are how we got trends like rolling our jeans and shoulder pads. They will literally do whatever the magazines and the TV tell them to do. They’re not bad people. But then again, is there such a thing as a good or bad person? This blogger says no. There are only good or bad actions — or the worst of all, taking no action when you could have and it would have prevented pain for yourself or others. Betas act when alphas (especially alphas on the TV) tell them to.

 

Omegas are the most detrimental to the happiness and healthiness of everyone in the tribe. They are all the manipulativeness of Alphas, all the gossipy, easily influenced suggestibility of Betas, and all of the resistance to authority of Sigmas — and they can’t stop talking about themselves or complaining about how bad the world is. They personify lost potential. (Alphas would say they never had any to begin with but I don’t know if that’s always true.) When they talk about how fucked up they or their lives are, believe them. When they tell you, that’s just the way it is, life sucks, what are you gonna do, that’s the way it’ll always be, and subsequently you wonder if they ever had a history class, don’t even be tempted to explain that women can vote now and there is no more (legal) slavery in our country, or that things change when masses of people organize to change them. Omegas are rarely operating in reality. So when you point reality out to them, you might as well be speaking gibberish.

 

 

Which brings me to sigmas. Alphas love sigmas because of their usefulness to the tribe which hinges on one primary personality trait, indeed the trait which will define and redefine the trajectory of the sigma’s life’s path over and over again: a sense of obligation. Oh, you’ll miss your daughter’s recital on Sunday if I don’t pick up your shift? Sure, I can take it. What, you’ll lose your driver’s license if I don’t drop you off at the courthouse at 1? Ok … no, no, you don’t need to pitch in for gas. Say again, you need someone to testify at your name change hearing on Friday and I’ll have to use 4 hours of sick pay to do it? There’s no where I’d rather be! No one else can help the tribe avoid total obliteration on Saturday at 2:19 pm? Ok ok, you talked me into it … text me the address. There is a great way to avoid these situations, as the Sigma inevitably learns somewhere in their twenties, and that is to never give anyone their phone number. (True story. What, you don’t like email? Also going car-free when I was 28 took care of 90% of all requests for help. And here I was just trying to stop helping bankroll al qaeda!) But you probably noticed the running theme: a good cause. Sigmas respond to this like flies to honey. But it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, doesn’t it? When you think of the tribe as a single entity, always moving toward survival and away from destruction and/or dying out, the presence of specific members of the tribe who feel a sense of duty to make sure the others are ok or will be ok or won’t end up un-ok is a brilliant back-up plan, an insurance policy personified. If the entire tribe were in a van, sigmas would be the spare tire. They wouldn’t even BE a person — that is how utilitarian they are! (Metaphorically speaking.)

 

 

Now betas are going, but wait, I help out! Do you? Or do you say yes initially and then back out at the last minute and feel TERRIBLY GUILTY about SAYING NO at the same time that waves of relief wash over you? Do you really feel an obligation to do the right thing? Or do you suddenly feel overwhelmed by the possibility of missing an opportunity to show someone of social importance how special they are if your hand isn’t the first in the air when it comes time to volunteer? Betas’ volunteering is offering to set up and take down at the office holiday party. Sigmas are volunteering with Teach for America or the Peace Corps (or serve in the military or with another organization). Visualize this holiday party organization meeting: while the Alpha(s) are “delegating” all the peon tasks to simpering betas, and the omegas are complaining about how stupid and pointless another dumb holiday party without alcohol will be, the Sigmas are busy negotiating for permission to bring the booze. (True story — “But my awesome egg nog recipe just isn’t the same without the brandy. Couldn’t we just have the holiday party at a park? … Ok, that’s probably true … then let’s just have the party at a bar. We won’t need to bring the alcohol, the alcohol will bring us! Ha ha, get it???” “Yeah, we get it, Sarah.”)

 

 

But there’s a much simpler way to identify which tribal role a person plays. Alphas are perfectly happy to have sex with or without love (although they prefer with — but they are the last to know this. Ten years into their [second/third/fourth] marriage, they’re like, oh, yeah, this is better). Betas pretend they prefer with but what is most important to them is approval of the tribe: if the tribe says promiscuity is the way to gain status, they’ll be promiscuous; if the tribe says polygamy is the way to gain status, they’ll have multiple wives; if they tribe says abstinence is the only way to go, look who’s donning a chastity belt. Omegas find their way or are lured into bad sexual situations. It’s as if the batteries in their inner danger detector died and no one ever bothered to replace them. They do sometimes marry another omega but usually they sublimate their procreative urge into a fantasy world where actual responsibility is unnecessary. Second Life comes to mind. This is also why PUA (pick up artistry) is so appealing to more extroverted male omegas — they don’t actually want a relationship. The whole thing is a role-playing fantasy. At the deepest level, they know their chances of being rejected for a one night stand are far lower than for a LTR. And, oh yes, sigmas. Male sigmas would rather pay a prostitute (or sex worker, as they would ideally be called) then lead a woman on under the false pretense that there is any hope for an actual long term relationship. They see the uncanny resemblance between dating and prostitution and would rather pay straight cash for sex than trade dinner and a movie for it. (Which is actually way less degrading to women when you think about it.) And if the alternative is an unhappy fake one, a female sigma would rather be in no relationship. If you aren’t a sigma, imagine for a moment what it would be like to have no procreative compulsion, in other words, no ticking “biological clock.” It’s a freedom that I can’t really explain in words. But when I am around frantic betas or manipulative alphas who can’t stop thinking about how they haven’t gotten married or had kids yet, I feel this amazing sense of relief that I am not like them. This doesn’t mean I won’t ever have kids; it simply means I have no active desire to. I would have to have a very specific lifestyle and very specific type of mate before I risked my happiness and financial security that way. What do you call a job that’s 24 hours a day you can never quit and never get paid for? Were you going to say slavery? Funny — I was going to say motherhood.

 

 

What do you call a job that’s 24 hours a day you can never quit and never get paid for? Were you going to say slavery? Funny — I was going to say motherhood.

 

 

And now, the whole reason I was inspired to write this post. The other night I was quite nearly the victim of a slow-motion ambush by the human version of a pack of wolves at a Starbucks of all places. Middle aged mean girls. As I watched the alpha and her highest ranking beta use their tried and true techniques (meaning, strategies that had worked on beta outsiders in the past), Hillary and Debbie Wasserman Schultz came to mind. They felt entitled to everyone around them bowing to their will. And why? Because everyone around them had in the past. But that night, they picked the wrong woman.

 

I was sitting in the chair on the right that night.
I was sitting in the chair on the right that night.

 

I was sitting in front of the fireplace across from an empty chair when the alpha walked in and sat across from me, her knitting bag in tow. I found out later that she and her Stitch ‘N’ Bitch crew do this at Starbucks locations across the twin cities, but at that moment, I thought she was alone. We said hello to each other (I went out of my way to make sure she knew no one was sitting there and that she was welcome to because I was raised by a sigma mom who taught me to be polite and considerate as a way of preventing war which ensures the survival of more of the tribe). Queen Bee took out her knitting and about 15 minutes later, the rest of the pack began to slowly trickle in. And they pulled their chairs so that they formed a half circle that ostensibly ended with my chair. Here’s a picture of what it looked like after half of them had arrived.

 

At the halfway point. Even more stitchers would arrive.
At the halfway point. Even more stitchers would arrive.

 

I knew it was too good not to photograph and blog about and took the picture above from the register. Then even more knitting mean girls arrived until the point where they literally had me boxed in! Now when I got up to go to the bathroom, the woman sitting in the chair to my immediate left that was keeping me from getting out said, “Oh! I’m blocking you in!” as she remained sitting. Yeah, this sweet submissive beta was feeling really brave in front of her Alpha. I replied, in her exact tone, “Yeah! You totally are!” Oh, Right Hand Beta (the one with her black hair pulled into a bun above) wanted to shoot daggers out of her eyes and into my throat. I wish she had tried.

 

 

Shocked by the combination of my perfect echo of her awfulness and my unwillingness to be group-bullied out of my own chair, Beta Number 5 scurried to get out of my way and moved her chair to the side so I could get out. As you can see in the photo, I had placed my laptop so that it occupied exactly half of the footrest in order to mark my territory. I had been watching “The Blacklist” and had intended to go home after it was over. But as I walked to the bathroom, I knew: I’d stay till every last one of those piles of yarn had left the building. When I came back, Beta Number 5 jumped right up to let me in (I almost gave her a treat for such a compliant display of good manners! She was learning so fast too!) and I sat back down. Alpha said, “Yeah, while you were in the bathroom, we logged into your bank account and took all your money.” Yep. I hadn’t locked my screen to indicate to them that they were zero point zero percent a threat to me. And Alpha didn’t like that. I didn’t even look at her. Please. She was a poorly trained mannerless consumer not a criminal. I put my headphones in and started pinteresting castles. Bun Beta Number 1 would glare at me from time to time and I’d smile sweetly. Then, hilariously, she put her Samsung on the two inch border that Alpha and I had left open on the footrest. I realized that she is likely an alpha in her workplace and in her other circle of friends — in my peripheral vision, I noticed that she barely actually knitted and compulsively checked her phone (like an alpha, not like a beta). But in this pack, she was not an equal to the woman sitting across from me. Also, she used some very alpha strategies to get me to leave. In addition to regularly staring at me, she started talking very loudly. (In other words, I could hear her over the music I was listening to which I already had up to max volume.)

 

 

Now at this point, more mean girls/adult women started showing up. I didn’t count but I want to say 10. And if you notice in the picture, Alpha and Bun Beta are the only two in the special soft chairs; everyone else sat in a hard chair. As all the newcomers sat on my side (instead of a few of them sitting over by A & B), I realized that this was a strategy they’d used before, to literally make their prey feel surrounded and run. So fucking mean.

 

 

So guess what I did. I pulled up the guillotine/beheading episode of Criminal Minds (“Drive”) and angled my laptop out so that that group of 8 women could clearly see it and put it on full screen (my laptop is 18 inches wide — don’t worry, I had my headphones in). How long do you think it took before they angled their chairs away so that they formed their own haphazard circle of 8, separate from Alpha and Bun Beta completely? 7 minutes. BOOM. So for the next two hours (I watched another episode of CM afterwards), the 8 women knitted to my left in one group while the leaders talked only to each other on the other side (there was a third woman who joined them halfway through but she didn’t stay long). Around 9, they disbanded, and after every one of them had left, I learned a bit more about their pattern from some people who’d witness their behavior before and discovered that the mean girls do this to whoever is sitting at the fireplace, every Friday night.

 

 

Well, good! I’ll see them again next Friday! Looking forward to it.

 

 

Finally, isn’t it fascinating how terrible people can be? How one strong personality can override even the basic manners and etiquette training your parents instilled in you in childhood? I thought of that sweet beta (Beta Number 5) who moved her chair for me and knew she had parents who would be shocked if they saw her treating a stranger as rudely as she treated me. But that’s pack mentality. One strong leader can bring out either the best or the worst in a small group, a big group, a country, or even the world.

 

Did you like this post? Want more alpha | beta | omega | sigma posts in the future? Please comment below!

 

How to Heal a Broken Heart

I had fun making this video on my new youtube channel, The Sarbear Countdown … hope you enjoy.

 

 

 

God, a broken heart hurts like hell, doesn’t it?

Sometimes I reference the chakras: here are the basics

The chakra mirror math reveals the hidden 8th chakra. Your 7th chakra is mirrored by your 1st and 7 + 1 = 8. Your 6th chakra is mirrored by your 2nd and 6 + 2 = 8. Your 5th chakra is mirrored by your 3rd and 5 + 3 = 8. The Heart Chakra remains and 4 + 4 = 8. This secondary Heart Chakra is your soulmate’s Heart Chakra, and your degree of openheartedness is directly mirrored by that person’s. Your soulmate’s 4th chakra is your 8th chakra. This secret chakra is the chakra that you influence, and that influences you, no matter how near or far apart you and your soulmate may be on the physical plane. What this means is that even if you do not know the identity of this person, the act of love in your life is the gift of love to their life.

 

The text above comes from the blurb on the back of my book Chakra Mirror Math. Now, your first question might be, what is a chakra? Chakra means wheel in sanskrit, and what it is is an energy center, meaning energy of a specific nature concentrates itself in that chakra’s region of the auric field. Here’s the usual visual aid of the chakra system.

In truth, each of the seven chakras is a large orb that encircles the body. So rather than a visual aid like the one above or this one below, with the sanskrit symbols …

 

… think more along the lines of the Michelin Man (ha! I didn’t even search “meditating Michelin Man”!).

Except each orb would be the corresponding chakra’s color, and only 7 stacking orbs, and each one reaches as far as the perimeter of the auric field. If you stretch your arms above your head as far as they can go, you’ll reach the top perimeter, and if you stretch your arms out to the sides, you’ll reach the left and right perimeter of your auric field and the left and right perimeter of your 4th chakra (your heart chakra) at the same time. Now the 7th and 1st chakras (orbs) are the biggest. The 1st chakra starts at the base of the spine and goes all the way down to the ground, to the soles of your feet, and the 7th chakra starts at the forehead and goes up as high as you can reach. I may decide to draw my own illustration unless I can find a better one in google images.

 

 

An easy way to remember the topics of the seven chakras is, from the bottom going up, (1st) Money, (2nd) Sex, (3rd) Power, (4th) Love, (5th) Communication, (6th) Vision, (7th) Authority. The chakra mirror math shows us how each of these areas of Life on Earth – and their associated challenges and joys — actually reflect a challenge in another, corresponding, area of life.

 

 

*The 7/1 Mirror is the Authority/Survival Mirror but we could also call it the God (who is the ultimate authority)/Money (which helps us attain things necessary for survival) Mirror. So when we’re experiencing a money/survival challenge, it’s actually reflective of an Authority/God issue, and when we experience feelings of being undeserving or unworthy of existing (surviving), it’s reflective of feeling disconnected from God.

 

*The 6/2 Mirror is the Vision/(Pro-)Creativity Mirror so when we’re experiencing a block on ”getting clear” on our vision for the future, including setting clear goals and achieving them, it’s actually reflective of a creativity issue. The second chakra, which relates to our sexual feelings, desires, and experiences, is in turn reflective of the vision we hold of our identity and our future. Creative energy is sexual energy. Whether we’re channeling it into scrapbooking or baking cookies or engaging in casual hook-ups or making love with our soulmate and/or creating new life (procreating), we’re taking creative (or destructive) action which will influence the future, and our place in that future.

 

*The 5/3 Mirror is the Communication/Power Mirror and when the heart is open, we call it the Communication/Service Mirror because we serve from an open 4th chakra, to communicate Love. The act of forgiving is the essence of the 5/3 Mirror from an open heart because forgiveness is a prayer — communication to God — that transforms our very human body, the vessel for our soul, into a conduit for Divine Love that allows us to serve humanity, by loving them.

 

 

When we love someone, we desire their happiness (their ability to feel Joy). When we forgive someone, we love them anyway. We desire their happiness anyway. And the most effective way to get someone healed and back to that place of Joy (where they have no desire to hurt anyone else) is to give our desire for their happiness to God so God can use us as the conduit and return the favor! We ask God, “please let me be healed of all pain and sadness and let the other person be healed of all pain and sadness. Please don’t let ____ hurt anyone else in the same way they hurt me.” (Or, if we are forgiving someone for hurting someone else, “Please don’t let _____ hurt anyone else the way they hurt [whoever the somone else is.]“) You might try this the next time someone cuts you off on the road while driving. Or cuts someone else off on the road and almost causes an accident. Your physical body, via your heart chakra and physical heart, will become a conduit for God’s Love. The person you forgive is healed of any intentional desire to hurt others and any tendency to accidentally hurt others! Forgiving is the greatest act of love we will perform in our lifetime on Earth. It’s the most powerful service (3rd chakra) there is because it invokes love which heals pain and prevents future pain of the same nature, simply by asking God (communicating – 5th chakra) to fill the person we are forgiving with Love.

 

 

Now let’s touch on the 4/4 Mirror which we could call the Love/Forgiveness Mirror. Every time we forgive, our heart opens that much more and so does our soulmate’s. Additionally, the open heart causes the other chakras to open. So whenever we address an authority/money issue or a vision/creativity issue or a communication/power issue with Love — by forgiving — we lay the groundwork for taking resolution oriented action to solve the problem and (such awesome multitasking!) open our soulmate’s heart at the same time.

 

 

It all comes back to the heart. An issue may seem confined to one chakra but really, the issue was originally caused (and is perpetuated by) a closed fourth chakra. The chakra mirror math allows us to view and understand our entire etheric body, including the personality overlay comprised of geometric patterns, imprints, and wounds, which is part of the auric field, along with the chakras, in a detailed and holistic light.

 

 

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. This means a pie isn’t just crust + fruit + sugar + butter + spices, it’s a delicious dessert that we have labeled pie because the whole is greater than simply the sum of the ingredients. And the chakra system is greater than a 1st, a 2nd, a 3rd, a 4th, a 5th, a 6th and a 7th chakra. It’s a holistic, interdependent, system — much like the organs in the digestive system or the excretory system or the cardiovascular system. What effects one organ will have an effect on the others in that system, and then, because all of the systems are in turn interrelated, eventually on organs in another system (on your soulmate).

 

 

For more info on the chakras, you might enjoy reading the first 44 pages of CMM free on my other site.

Oneness: the whole point of Separation

Everyone has a soulmate and ideally this person isn’t only our other half, they are our other whole. In other words, they don’t need us to complete them and we don’t need them to feel complete. However, no matter how satisfied we are with the quality of our life, we’ll always feel that desire to love our soulmate.

 

 

Before we experienced Separation, when our souls were still merged with God in a state of blissful Oneness, we were experiencing ecstasy but we didn’t know it, couldn’t perceive it. God couldn’t allow us to perceive pleasure without also allowing us to perceive pain. This is because Separation from God allows us to feel everything — not just joy — and is the only way we could perceive anything, pleasurable or painful. And God wanted us to be able to perceive the very best thing of all: Oneness. When we were merged into Oneness with God in Heaven*, our soul had not yet separated from our soulmate’s soul. Therefore, Oneness with your soulmate is Oneness with God because the last time you experienced either was when you were experiencing both, before Separation. However, the only way we can ever perceive the depth of such bliss is through making love on Earth where Separation allows us to contrast the moment of Oneness with the moment of Separation before and after. To know that beauty, that incredible gift of being able to give one other human being a tangible reminder of what Heaven was, and is, here on Earth, during that reunion of souls, is the whole point of existing outside the cocoon of Oneness. The beauty of the merging of our soul with the other half of it, our soulmate’s soul, and the merge of that whole back into the heart of God, is to merge with all of creation, everywhere, to dissolve space and time boundaries and know the inspiration that drives the expansion of the entire Universe. To make love is to create love, and to create love is to know God.

 

 

This is because God is Love.

 

 

*Heaven is Oneness and could be defined as the inverse of a set of space and time coordinates because it is a state of existing without any Separation between the soul, its mate, and God at all; in other words, a total lack of space and time between.