Category Archives: Sex and Love

Gender X and What I Wish I Would Have Said When I Was Asked to “Declare My Pronoun”

For those who’ve followed me since I was a Bernie supporter – and before I boarded the Trump Train in July of 2016 — you know that I lost several friends due to my vocal support of Trump on Twitter. Not for sharing my support of Trump on fB, not for sharing my support for him at work, not around my family, not around my friends in our social group in person (because I mentioned nothing about Trump on any of those platforms or around any of those people), but ONLY for tweeting about it.  Yes, you may recall that two of my friends (married to each other) ended their friendship with me because I said on twitter that I could not in good conscience vote for Hillary now that Bernie was out of the race. At the time, I was just warming to Trump and was relieved that he was using terms like fair trade and understood that NAFTA eviscerated the American middle class, and was campaigning on ending endless war and actually defeating ISIS instead of perpetuating the Middle East quagmire for another 15 years (in contrast to Hillary who laughed gleefully about the sodomized-to-death Qaddafi and the cesspool of despair that replaced his strongman rule in Libya after her State Department raped that country). These two ex-friends literally texted me (because that is how you diplomatically end a nine year friendship), “We know it sounds petty, but if you support Trump, we can’t be friends.” So why do I bring them up? Because one of them was a female to male transgender. One who went to Court to get his driver’s license to say M instead of F.

 

 

Now, despite the fact that I was shocked and hurt that they (and he especially, because we worked together before he started his hormone therapy and most people unconsciously still automatically referred to him as HER and I accepted him exactly as he wanted to be accepted without further judgment) ended our friendship, I still support trans issues. Why? Because I believe that if we demand that people conform to a social norm that requires deception, then we as a society are complicit in committing fraud against the inevitable victim. A similar example is when society forces gay men to “act straight” and marry women. In that case too, all of society acts as the collective warden who keeps the woman who finds herself in a loveless (and eventually sexless) marriage imprisoned. If people born male who felt like they should have been born female (and the reverse) were allowed to transition without further comment the way gay people are allowed to marry each other, we would avoid the problem of fraud-based unions and all the unhappiness that floods the immediate family as well as the extended tribe from there.

 

If we demand that people conform to a social norm that requires deception, then we as a society are complicit in committing fraud against the inevitable victim.

 

But a third category? A “neither he nor she” gender class? People who’d get an X on their driver’s license instead of an M or an F? That’s bullshit. And it’s bullshit of the most insidious kind. Why? Because it’s actually the best way to delegitimize the trans rights movement.

 

(And by rights, I literally mean, the freedom of my friend and others like him to live as the gender they feel they should have been born into and/or legal protection from the government taking action to prevent him and people like him from doing so. I mean, he’s married to a woman — they go out into the world as man and wife and now that he’s fully transitioned, you’d have no idea he was ever female, unlike, I’m sorry to say, trans women who still give me that man feeling even after they’ve had the ultimate surgery. Although, who knows — I may have met some trans women who transitioned so well that I just took them for born-female individuals when they weren’t. So, ok — benefit of the doubt.)

 

The best way to stop the movement in its tracks, especially after people like Caitlyn Jenner are helping mainstream America understand that transgender is a thing and does happen, even to extremely masculine men, would be to infiltrate it with people who want to introduce absurdity into the discussion — making ridiculous patently false baseless claims like, “there is no gender.” And here I want to make an important logic-based point. If there is no gender, then how can a person “identify” as the opposite gender? Trans people, by definition (and in order to be diagnosed and prescribed the hormone drugs necessary to “transition” by a medical doctor) must have symptoms that meet this description: “strong, persistent feelings of identification with the opposite gender and discomfort with one’s own assigned sex that results in significant distress or impairment. People with gender dysphoria desire to live as members of the opposite sex.” The OPPOSITE sex. Without two opposite sexes, you can’t “identify” with the one you’re not. Don’t let me over-explain this — I know you get it. Without two genders, you can’t transition from one to the other. And by gender I mean sex, of course, and by sex, I mean gender in this context (which is why our state I.D.’s as well as our birth certificates say “sex” on them).

 

So people, every day Americans, were just starting to warm (or thaw?) to the idea of trans people when in walk these pseudo-liberal infiltrators who start blabbing at the mouth this nonsense about gender as a continuum — or, even more counterproductively, about gender as an illusion. And let me say, I too was skeptical of transgenderism and I was raised by an open-minded mom who was in the antiques business and had several gay male friends who were really nice to me and good friends and customers of hers. I never knew homophobia — it just wasn’t part of what I was exposed to growing up. And even I thought “trans” was weird when at age 26 I met my first real life trans person. Really weird. It took getting to know someone close to me who could give me a glimpse into the very real hell he went through during puberty, feeling literally like he was in the wrong body. I mean, it sounded so sad and terrible to me. But I admit, also very bizarre. He had a girlfriend who was a very feminine woman … I had to really process what I was seeing. I slipped often and accidentally used female pronouns to describe him in a way that would not have happened if I had met him after he transitioned and he finally “looked” like a guy after taking Testosterone.

 

So I get it when everyday people go, “Ok, this is just weird. Is trans like … gay? Cause I’ve known some gays.” Then you put people like Caitlyn Jenner on the TV and they go, “Ok, it’s still weird but it’s less out there than before because Bruce Jenner was an Olympian I’ve heard of. Hmm, I’ll think about it.” So people’s minds opened to what transgenderism is and while the skepticism remained, a national conversation was at least happening. But insert people like the sadistic MAN (below) who was the first in the country to get an X on his Washington, DC driver’s license into the national dialogue and, suddenly, people’s minds shut faster than a cellar door during a late night summer storm. And for good reason. It’s a ploy: it’s a divide and conquer strategy. This guy is a full of shit LIAR who just wants to make people uncomfortable and gets off on it (I suspect – I suspect it makes his DICK hard because he has a DICK because he’s a MAN with a PENIS).

 

 

This WaPo story tells of MISTER Nik Sakurai of a Washington, DC who just applied for a big X rather than the standard M on his driver’s license. Guess what? He went to an all boys high school and came out as gay and bi at some point(s) during his senior year. Ok, fine. But then he decides that he’s really more of a They/Them person and “gender neutral” than a He/Him and male. For the logic based reason I described earlier, this undermines the trans movement which requires 2 genders (2 sexes) to transition between, by definition, but it also denigrates the very real pain of trans people who feel that they were born into the wrong body! (Imagine that! Really imagine what that would be like, please! It would be a living horror movie. Only your real life.) But there’s another more sinister component at the core of this attempt to create a third gender. Forced speech. I mentioned earlier that had I met my (former) trans friend after he’d been on Testosterone, I would not have guessed he’d been born female. And how he explained it to me was, “I identify as male” not, “I am really male and in denial of the uterus I have,” but with the acknowledgement/caveat that he is not actually male but would like to appear to be so that society sees him that way because that’s how he feels in his mind. That’s A HUGE difference. The first acknowledges reality and talks about identifying as the opposite gender as a compulsion; the second denies reality, much like Nik here who wants to “identify” with something that doesn’t exist.

 

Here is the perfect place for me to point out that we as a society must conduct scientific research to find out what’s going on here, and ask, why the onslaught of gender dysphoric people in our society? We know that hormones and other chemicals in our water are causing the feminization of fish and other animals. We would be remiss to assume that our species would be exempt from such side effects. We need to guard our human species’ fertility and virility as though our survival depended on it (because it obviously does). Also, ladies, be wise when you purchase your make-up; most make-up and even many perfumes contain phthalates which are known endocrine disruptors. According to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Andrology, “phthalates, the chemical found in many vinyl and plastic products, tends to ‘feminize’ boys, altering their brains to express more feminine characteristics. Phthalates are found in vinyl products (including vinyl flooring), PVC shower curtains, plastic furniture and even in the plastic coating of the insides of dishwashing machines.” They’re also linked to decreased fertility, “reproductive toxicity”, and cancer. Phthalates have been banned from cosmetics in the European Union, but are still found in MOST cosmetics sold in the United States. Learn more, PLEASE.

 

D.C. is not the only place where one can obtain a driver’s license that indicates that they identify with an imaginary state of existence. Now Oregon passed a law making it an option on their driver’s licenses too. Watch the brief video about it, courtesy of Big League Politics, below.

 

Gender neutrality is not real. And we as a society MUST protest the idea that it is, but even more than “we as a society,” actual trans people must fight this concept and these infiltrators, and fight them hard, and WIN. Because the goal of Nik and people like him is not to create a loving accepting society where people can be free to be who they are; it’s to use FORCE to FORCE people to comply to their vision of a gender-LESS society, the one they are taking action to create, every single day.

 

There’s another more sinister component at the core of this attempt to create a third gender. Forced speech.

 

In the spring of 2016, I took a class at St Catherine University, at the time a women-only school (I was taking this class with the day students while being enrolled in the Evening Weekend Online program) called “the Philosophy of Sex, Sexuality and Love” and in this class, there was a young woman who was attempting to sort through who and what she was. She was very open about having identified as everything there is possible to identify as, gay, bi, cis (cis is short for cisgender and means born female, identifies as a straight woman OR born male, identifies as a straight man). Presently, she had chosen a gender neutral name and was using male pronouns. Unlike my friend who was literally dying to get on Testosterone at that age and who chose a masculine name when he changed his name (which he did in court, not just by telling everyone, I go by “_______” now), she was very flippant about exploring all the “nonbinary” options. I was struck by something so insincere about her. About her demeanor. About her speech affect. And, I couldn’t help feeling so bad for my friend (all over again) who had felt so profoundly alienated by a female body and wanted nothing more than to have been born male so he wouldn’t have to hurt his family by becoming — literally — someone else. In contrast, this undergrad’s nonchalant chitchat about gender identity came across as shallow and demeaning of actually trans people, whose emotional compulsion to seek the gender role ascribed by society to the opposite sex is unyielding — and authentic. I chalked it up to the normal teenage angst that many people go through and figured that at the least, I’d meet some interesting people in the class and have some interesting philosophical arguments over the course of the semester. But around day two, this immature person revealed her actual desire: to assert dominance over all members of the class by inserting herself into the authority position, usurping the leadership of even the professor in the power dynamic. She “suggested” that we all declare our pronoun. She explained that she was going by he/him (for now, of course — she wasn’t taking Testosterone: “he/him” was her feeling of the year) and would like to know what everyone else goes by. And OF COURSE, no one reacted. Not one of the WOMEN in the class or the WOMAN professor. I blinked. My gut flagged this display as an attempt to assert dominance and leverage control but I was caught so off guard that I was at a loss for words. Could the professor have denied this request? I mean … yes, of course. And so could I have. But I didn’t. I went right a-fucking-long and said, “she/her” as one by one, the class played a distorted version of “duck duck gray duck” chair by chair, woman by woman, force making its way around a circle that made a mockery of any kind of round table discussion.

 

And here’s why. Force it was. Forced speech. I was forced to speak. I didn’t need to declare my pronoun. No one in the room did. (Did I mention it was a women’s college at the time?) Yet each of us submissively displayed compliance to this request. In marked contrast, actually trans people want to present as the opposite gender so well, so authentically, that they no longer NEED to declare their gender. They want to pass as that gender — no questions asked. How do we know? Because trans people born male are PAYING MONEY to have their penises removed. I need to cry for a second. But fine. If that’s what they want to do, FINE. That’s freedom. But it’s NOT freedom when I am forced to speak, forced to declare the obvious in an obvious situation. Here’s what I wish I would have said:

 

“No. I’m not going to declare my pronoun. If you’re making a special request of me to call you by a specific pronoun, then I’m happy to oblige and use “him and he” because I would have thought you identified as a girl. So thank you, so much, for letting me know. So, to clarify, you are asking me, Sarah, to refer to you, _____, by him and he, is that right?”

 

And in response to further cries from the crib requests to declare my pronoun, if necessary, “you can use whatever words you want in reference to me – your perception of me has no bearing on my perception of me. If there is anyone in the room in doubt as to my gender identity, please, just go with your best guess.”

 

The depths of the collective cultural denial of reality that were required for everyone in that room to subserviently go along to get along are astounding to me. And I apologize to myself for not being ready for it. That will never happen again.

 

This is how far this movement to normalize the collective denial of reality has gone already:

 

These people want there to be NO genders at ALL, no defined categories. They’ll tell you they don’t want “labels” but they really don’t want any gender at all. And that is the stuff of a dystopian nightmare. I will blog further about what I see as a possible future if we continue to go down that path but for now, let me close with a little story about my parents, yes — the ones who met in a Las Vegas casino, my super liberal mom and super libertarian dad. They didn’t want me to feel forced into any gender stereotypes as they raised me so my childhood bedroom was decorated in all primary colors. No pink and no blue allowed. My sister, 12 years older than I am (and 12 at the time), got to pick everything out so she picked out wall art with bright bunches of balloons — orange, red, yellow and green, and cute white clouds, all fabric, to hang on the walls. The blanket was a bright bold red and the pillows were green and yellow (they put a twin bed in the room with the crib so that the room would be multipurpose from the get go). Somehow she got away with a fabric rainbow wall-hang because “a rainbow is an actual natural phenomenon in nature” (dad) and “it’s not pastel” (mom) so there was one stripe of blue in the room when the original rule was no pink or blue. Now, the carpet: it was fabulous shag magenta carpet (come on, it was 1981). I loved this carpet till the day I left at 18. My sister sold this to them as purple (yes, she grew up to be a lawyer) and they in turn had a long discussion about whether purple has a gender stereotype attached to it. (Sigh. I know.) Now, I was allowed to pick out the toys I wanted as a child and was never forced to play with anything or told I couldn’t play with anything. Guess what my favorite thing to do was? Play Black Jack or 500 or Gin with my mom — or games like Clue or Who Dunnit with whoever would play, and I love love LOVED the game Tripoley. I had some dolls and even though I liked Nintendo and was fairly good at it, I loved to watch my cousins rescue Princess Peach for HOURS (my one cousin could do every single level, no warp tunnels, in about 28 minutes — I couldn’t get past level 6). I’d beat anyone who’d play Duck Hunt against me hands down and my cousin and I would partner against my mom while playing Nintendo Jeopardy. No one told me I couldn’t shoot the Nintendo gun because I was a girl but interestingly, I hated playing any sports, HATED IT. I hated being outside, especially if it was cold, and I hated being on teams, so fricking much. I naturally gravitated toward activities that made me think, like reading, writing or games. I liked Barbies but got very bored very quickly unless I was creating an elaborate backstory for their lives. So there was no attempt to keep me from pursuing stereotypical “girl” activities. Nor was there any attempt to force me to pursue “boy” activities. When I was 15, my mom let me paint my whole room lilac and hang a poster of Brandon Lee from the Crow above my bed. It said, “Believe in angels.” (Best movie of ALL TIME — lol, the traditional gender roles! And the vengeance! And the violence! And the sex! Bahahahaha! My mom got a kick out of the results of their experiment: Give a child total freedom and exert no influence over their tastes and preferences and when that child grows into a 15 year old girl, she might still end up being filled with glee at the romance-based serial murder of anyone who threatens the eternal love of the main characters.)

 

 

Compare my parents to the parents of the newborn baby mentioned in the tweet above, the baby with no “gender marker” on its health card. My mom and dad were trying to avoid ridiculous societal limitations such as, “boys become doctors, girls become nurses” and “girls become paralegals and boys become lawyers” and they did a damn good job. But by denying a newborn baby a sex on its birth certificate, the parents in the tweet aren’t rejecting stereotypes or “traditional gender roles,” they are denying REALITY.

 

My parents did a good job despite their many flaws. They taught me to question the motivation behind every message: who is telling me to believe this? Why? What emotion is it designed to make me feel? What action is it designed to make me take? Who benefits? Who profits? Is it rooted in greed for power or greed for money or both? These are the questions we need to be asking ourselves regarding this bizarre movement mandating forced speech and the attempt to neuter society itself.

Memoirs of a Sigma Female

I have been fascinated for some time with the power dynamics of the pack or tribe and have read with amusement since my early 20’s the slew of PUA (Pick Up Artist) books written by omega males pretending to be alpha males. Hint, wanna-be’s: alpha males don’t look for one-night stands. As in the animal kingdom, they display dominance by regularly protecting and providing for their mate — or multiple mates, concurrently, not consecutively. Omega pick-up artists don’t generate enough income to protect and provide sufficiently for themselves on a regular basis, never mind for a mate and multiple offspring. Having that much income is yet another way the alpha male displays his dominance. (Reader, if you’re wondering why I read these PUA books, it was so I could learn their m.o. and protect myself against such tactics. However, these omega males have a very distinct scent in their sweat so it turns out I never really had to worry about it because I would smell them coming my way before they ever got so much as my name.)

 

 

So over the course of investigating the differences between alpha, beta and omega men, I was exposed to articles and books regarding the characteristics of alpha, beta and omega females as well. I always felt like I was just none of these and wasn’t sure what to make of it (long story short: alphas are hyper confident leaders, betas are loyal worker bees, and omegas are — to be very very frank and oversimplify it way too much — losers). So I started looking more into the traits of actual wolves to discern the real world roles these tribal/pack roles play and found out there was such a thing as a sigma wolf. Sigmas are interesting: in the wild, they find themselves alone because they refuse to accept the authority of the alpha. Ironically, as a lone wolf, the need for survival itself forces them to adapt and to accept the role of alpha that nature thrusts upon them so that they can find a mate. Wolves’ prey is much larger than they are. They need at least one other wolf to help attack and kill dinner in order to eat it. (And you know what happens after dinner, with all that romantic snow and picked-over carcass. SEX. And 2 months later, the beginnings of a new pack. OMG, cute little baby wolves!! SO CUTE!! DYING OVER HERE!!!!!) **Also, I have terribly glossed over the traits and mating patterns of wolves in the wild so there’s that.**

 

 

 

**slightly related tweet about wolves from last month

 

 

Extrapolating that fascinating information, we can see that a sigma human too rejects the ranking and categorizing so prevalent in traditional human hierarchies, but will, in order to survive, “deal with it,” as it were. Sigmas overwhelmingly prefer not to be controlled — in other words, they seek autonomy. But because they have no inclination to control others, they avoid leadership positions. But they can lead. If they absolutely have to. (PUKE. Like during “team playing”! Where one person does all the work but everyone gets credit for it! Guess who does all the work to make sure the team isn’t let down? Yeah, SIGMAS. Fan-freaking-tastic. Avoid groups and group projects like the PLAGUE!) So, ok, I thought, that’s more like me.

 

 

Now, I’ve found that alphas are generally not that bad. Especially alpha females: they like me and I respect them. Alpha males are assholes. Bottom line. Even if they’re good, they’re horrible. Vengeful. Vindictive. Mean. Self-righteous. But they will jump in front of a train if it means the survival of at least two other members of the tribe. So, I guess we all have our bad points. And they reply to that short list of traits with, “True, true, true, true — but I thought you were going to mention my bad traits?” HA HA, so FUNNY, alpha males. Actually, alpha males and females have a great sense of humor and you get points with them for being funny — and for being brave. So if you ever find yourself around one, that’s how you get their protection. (If you *want* their protection — suffice it to say, there are good alphas and bad alphas and the price of their protection will be perpetual loyalty.)

 

And Betas can be decent friends; but they gossip, a lot, and rank and social status are very important to them. And most people are betas. Betas are how we got trends like rolling our jeans and shoulder pads. They will literally do whatever the magazines and the TV tell them to do. They’re not bad people. But then again, is there such a thing as a good or bad person? This blogger says no. There are only good or bad actions — or the worst of all, taking no action when you could have and it would have prevented pain for yourself or others. Betas act when alphas (especially alphas on the TV) tell them to.

 

Omegas are the most detrimental to the happiness and healthiness of everyone in the tribe. They are all the manipulativeness of Alphas, all the gossipy, easily influenced suggestibility of Betas, and all of the resistance to authority of Sigmas — and they can’t stop talking about themselves or complaining about how bad the world is. They personify lost potential. (Alphas would say they never had any to begin with but I don’t know if that’s always true.) When they talk about how fucked up they or their lives are, believe them. When they tell you, that’s just the way it is, life sucks, what are you gonna do, that’s the way it’ll always be, and subsequently you wonder if they ever had a history class, don’t even be tempted to explain that women can vote now and there is no more (legal) slavery in our country, or that things change when masses of people organize to change them. Omegas are rarely operating in reality. So when you point reality out to them, you might as well be speaking gibberish.

 

 

Which brings me to sigmas. Alphas love sigmas because of their usefulness to the tribe which hinges on one primary personality trait, indeed the trait which will define and redefine the trajectory of the sigma’s life’s path over and over again: a sense of obligation. Oh, you’ll miss your daughter’s recital on Sunday if I don’t pick up your shift? Sure, I can take it. What, you’ll lose your driver’s license if I don’t drop you off at the courthouse at 1? Ok … no, no, you don’t need to pitch in for gas. Say again, you need someone to testify at your name change hearing on Friday and I’ll have to use 4 hours of sick pay to do it? There’s no where I’d rather be! No one else can help the tribe avoid total obliteration on Saturday at 2:19 pm? Ok ok, you talked me into it … text me the address. There is a great way to avoid these situations, as the Sigma inevitably learns somewhere in their twenties, and that is to never give anyone their phone number. (True story. What, you don’t like email? Also going car-free when I was 28 took care of 90% of all requests for help. And here I was just trying to stop helping bankroll al qaeda!) But you probably noticed the running theme: a good cause. Sigmas respond to this like flies to honey. But it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, doesn’t it? When you think of the tribe as a single entity, always moving toward survival and away from destruction and/or dying out, the presence of specific members of the tribe who feel a sense of duty to make sure the others are ok or will be ok or won’t end up un-ok is a brilliant back-up plan, an insurance policy personified. If the entire tribe were in a van, sigmas would be the spare tire. They wouldn’t even BE a person — that is how utilitarian they are! (Metaphorically speaking.)

 

 

Now betas are going, but wait, I help out! Do you? Or do you say yes initially and then back out at the last minute and feel TERRIBLY GUILTY about SAYING NO at the same time that waves of relief wash over you? Do you really feel an obligation to do the right thing? Or do you suddenly feel overwhelmed by the possibility of missing an opportunity to show someone of social importance how special they are if your hand isn’t the first in the air when it comes time to volunteer? Betas’ volunteering is offering to set up and take down at the office holiday party. Sigmas are volunteering with Teach for America or the Peace Corps (or serve in the military or with another organization). Visualize this holiday party organization meeting: while the Alpha(s) are “delegating” all the peon tasks to simpering betas, and the omegas are complaining about how stupid and pointless another dumb holiday party without alcohol will be, the Sigmas are busy negotiating for permission to bring the booze. (True story — “But my awesome egg nog recipe just isn’t the same without the brandy. Couldn’t we just have the holiday party at a park? … Ok, that’s probably true … then let’s just have the party at a bar. We won’t need to bring the alcohol, the alcohol will bring us! Ha ha, get it???” “Yeah, we get it, Sarah.”)

 

 

But there’s a much simpler way to identify which tribal role a person plays. Alphas are perfectly happy to have sex with or without love (although they prefer with — but they are the last to know this. Ten years into their [second/third/fourth] marriage, they’re like, oh, yeah, this is better). Betas pretend they prefer with but what is most important to them is approval of the tribe: if the tribe says promiscuity is the way to gain status, they’ll be promiscuous; if the tribe says polygamy is the way to gain status, they’ll have multiple wives; if they tribe says abstinence is the only way to go, look who’s donning a chastity belt. Omegas find their way or are lured into bad sexual situations. It’s as if the batteries in their inner danger detector died and no one ever bothered to replace them. They do sometimes marry another omega but usually they sublimate their procreative urge into a fantasy world where actual responsibility is unnecessary. Second Life comes to mind. This is also why PUA (pick up artistry) is so appealing to more extroverted male omegas — they don’t actually want a relationship. The whole thing is a role-playing fantasy. At the deepest level, they know their chances of being rejected for a one night stand are far lower than for a LTR. And, oh yes, sigmas. Male sigmas would rather pay a prostitute (or sex worker, as they would ideally be called) then lead a woman on under the false pretense that there is any hope for an actual long term relationship. They see the uncanny resemblance between dating and prostitution and would rather pay straight cash for sex than trade dinner and a movie for it. (Which is actually way less degrading to women when you think about it.) And if the alternative is an unhappy fake one, a female sigma would rather be in no relationship. If you aren’t a sigma, imagine for a moment what it would be like to have no procreative compulsion, in other words, no ticking “biological clock.” It’s a freedom that I can’t really explain in words. But when I am around frantic betas or manipulative alphas who can’t stop thinking about how they haven’t gotten married or had kids yet, I feel this amazing sense of relief that I am not like them. This doesn’t mean I won’t ever have kids; it simply means I have no active desire to. I would have to have a very specific lifestyle and very specific type of mate before I risked my happiness and financial security that way. What do you call a job that’s 24 hours a day you can never quit and never get paid for? Were you going to say slavery? Funny — I was going to say motherhood.

 

 

What do you call a job that’s 24 hours a day you can never quit and never get paid for? Were you going to say slavery? Funny — I was going to say motherhood.

 

 

And now, the whole reason I was inspired to write this post. The other night I was quite nearly the victim of a slow-motion ambush by the human version of a pack of wolves at a Starbucks of all places. Middle aged mean girls. As I watched the alpha and her highest ranking beta use their tried and true techniques (meaning, strategies that had worked on beta outsiders in the past), Hillary and Debbie Wasserman Schultz came to mind. They felt entitled to everyone around them bowing to their will. And why? Because everyone around them had in the past. But that night, they picked the wrong woman.

 

I was sitting in the chair on the right that night.
I was sitting in the chair on the right that night.

 

I was sitting in front of the fireplace across from an empty chair when the alpha walked in and sat across from me, her knitting bag in tow. I found out later that she and her Stitch ‘N’ Bitch crew do this at Starbucks locations across the twin cities, but at that moment, I thought she was alone. We said hello to each other (I went out of my way to make sure she knew no one was sitting there and that she was welcome to because I was raised by a sigma mom who taught me to be polite and considerate as a way of preventing war which ensures the survival of more of the tribe). Queen Bee took out her knitting and about 15 minutes later, the rest of the pack began to slowly trickle in. And they pulled their chairs so that they formed a half circle that ostensibly ended with my chair. Here’s a picture of what it looked like after half of them had arrived.

 

At the halfway point. Even more stitchers would arrive.
At the halfway point. Even more stitchers would arrive.

 

I knew it was too good not to photograph and blog about and took the picture above from the register. Then even more knitting mean girls arrived until the point where they literally had me boxed in! Now when I got up to go to the bathroom, the woman sitting in the chair to my immediate left that was keeping me from getting out said, “Oh! I’m blocking you in!” as she remained sitting. Yeah, this sweet submissive beta was feeling really brave in front of her Alpha. I replied, in her exact tone, “Yeah! You totally are!” Oh, Right Hand Beta (the one with her black hair pulled into a bun above) wanted to shoot daggers out of her eyes and into my throat. I wish she had tried.

 

 

Shocked by the combination of my perfect echo of her awfulness and my unwillingness to be group-bullied out of my own chair, Beta Number 5 scurried to get out of my way and moved her chair to the side so I could get out. As you can see in the photo, I had placed my laptop so that it occupied exactly half of the footrest in order to mark my territory. I had been watching “The Blacklist” and had intended to go home after it was over. But as I walked to the bathroom, I knew: I’d stay till every last one of those piles of yarn had left the building. When I came back, Beta Number 5 jumped right up to let me in (I almost gave her a treat for such a compliant display of good manners! She was learning so fast too!) and I sat back down. Alpha said, “Yeah, while you were in the bathroom, we logged into your bank account and took all your money.” Yep. I hadn’t locked my screen to indicate to them that they were zero point zero percent a threat to me. And Alpha didn’t like that. I didn’t even look at her. Please. She was a poorly trained mannerless consumer not a criminal. I put my headphones in and started pinteresting castles. Bun Beta Number 1 would glare at me from time to time and I’d smile sweetly. Then, hilariously, she put her Samsung on the two inch border that Alpha and I had left open on the footrest. I realized that she is likely an alpha in her workplace and in her other circle of friends — in my peripheral vision, I noticed that she barely actually knitted and compulsively checked her phone (like an alpha, not like a beta). But in this pack, she was not an equal to the woman sitting across from me. Also, she used some very alpha strategies to get me to leave. In addition to regularly staring at me, she started talking very loudly. (In other words, I could hear her over the music I was listening to which I already had up to max volume.)

 

 

Now at this point, more mean girls/adult women started showing up. I didn’t count but I want to say 10. And if you notice in the picture, Alpha and Bun Beta are the only two in the special soft chairs; everyone else sat in a hard chair. As all the newcomers sat on my side (instead of a few of them sitting over by A & B), I realized that this was a strategy they’d used before, to literally make their prey feel surrounded and run. So fucking mean.

 

 

So guess what I did. I pulled up the guillotine/beheading episode of Criminal Minds (“Drive”) and angled my laptop out so that that group of 8 women could clearly see it and put it on full screen (my laptop is 18 inches wide — don’t worry, I had my headphones in). How long do you think it took before they angled their chairs away so that they formed their own haphazard circle of 8, separate from Alpha and Bun Beta completely? 7 minutes. BOOM. So for the next two hours (I watched another episode of CM afterwards), the 8 women knitted to my left in one group while the leaders talked only to each other on the other side (there was a third woman who joined them halfway through but she didn’t stay long). Around 9, they disbanded, and after every one of them had left, I learned a bit more about their pattern from some people who’d witness their behavior before and discovered that the mean girls do this to whoever is sitting at the fireplace, every Friday night.

 

 

Well, good! I’ll see them again next Friday! Looking forward to it.

 

 

Finally, isn’t it fascinating how terrible people can be? How one strong personality can override even the basic manners and etiquette training your parents instilled in you in childhood? I thought of that sweet beta (Beta Number 5) who moved her chair for me and knew she had parents who would be shocked if they saw her treating a stranger as rudely as she treated me. But that’s pack mentality. One strong leader can bring out either the best or the worst in a small group, a big group, a country, or even the world.

 

Did you like this post? Want more alpha | beta | omega | sigma posts in the future? Please comment below!

 

How to Heal a Broken Heart

I had fun making this video on my new youtube channel, The Sarbear Countdown … hope you enjoy.

 

 

 

God, a broken heart hurts like hell, doesn’t it?

Sometimes I reference the chakras: here are the basics

The chakra mirror math reveals the hidden 8th chakra. Your 7th chakra is mirrored by your 1st and 7 + 1 = 8. Your 6th chakra is mirrored by your 2nd and 6 + 2 = 8. Your 5th chakra is mirrored by your 3rd and 5 + 3 = 8. The Heart Chakra remains and 4 + 4 = 8. This secondary Heart Chakra is your soulmate’s Heart Chakra, and your degree of openheartedness is directly mirrored by that person’s. Your soulmate’s 4th chakra is your 8th chakra. This secret chakra is the chakra that you influence, and that influences you, no matter how near or far apart you and your soulmate may be on the physical plane. What this means is that even if you do not know the identity of this person, the act of love in your life is the gift of love to their life.

 

The text above comes from the blurb on the back of my book Chakra Mirror Math. Now, your first question might be, what is a chakra? Chakra means wheel in sanskrit, and what it is is an energy center, meaning energy of a specific nature concentrates itself in that chakra’s region of the auric field. Here’s the usual visual aid of the chakra system.

In truth, each of the seven chakras is a large orb that encircles the body. So rather than a visual aid like the one above or this one below, with the sanskrit symbols …

 

… think more along the lines of the Michelin Man (ha! I didn’t even search “meditating Michelin Man”!).

Except each orb would be the corresponding chakra’s color, and only 7 stacking orbs, and each one reaches as far as the perimeter of the auric field. If you stretch your arms above your head as far as they can go, you’ll reach the top perimeter, and if you stretch your arms out to the sides, you’ll reach the left and right perimeter of your auric field and the left and right perimeter of your 4th chakra (your heart chakra) at the same time. Now the 7th and 1st chakras (orbs) are the biggest. The 1st chakra starts at the base of the spine and goes all the way down to the ground, to the soles of your feet, and the 7th chakra starts at the forehead and goes up as high as you can reach. I may decide to draw my own illustration unless I can find a better one in google images.

 

 

An easy way to remember the topics of the seven chakras is, from the bottom going up, (1st) Money, (2nd) Sex, (3rd) Power, (4th) Love, (5th) Communication, (6th) Vision, (7th) Authority. The chakra mirror math shows us how each of these areas of Life on Earth – and their associated challenges and joys — actually reflect a challenge in another, corresponding, area of life.

 

 

*The 7/1 Mirror is the Authority/Survival Mirror but we could also call it the God (who is the ultimate authority)/Money (which helps us attain things necessary for survival) Mirror. So when we’re experiencing a money/survival challenge, it’s actually reflective of an Authority/God issue, and when we experience feelings of being undeserving or unworthy of existing (surviving), it’s reflective of feeling disconnected from God.

 

*The 6/2 Mirror is the Vision/(Pro-)Creativity Mirror so when we’re experiencing a block on ”getting clear” on our vision for the future, including setting clear goals and achieving them, it’s actually reflective of a creativity issue. The second chakra, which relates to our sexual feelings, desires, and experiences, is in turn reflective of the vision we hold of our identity and our future. Creative energy is sexual energy. Whether we’re channeling it into scrapbooking or baking cookies or engaging in casual hook-ups or making love with our soulmate and/or creating new life (procreating), we’re taking creative (or destructive) action which will influence the future, and our place in that future.

 

*The 5/3 Mirror is the Communication/Power Mirror and when the heart is open, we call it the Communication/Service Mirror because we serve from an open 4th chakra, to communicate Love. The act of forgiving is the essence of the 5/3 Mirror from an open heart because forgiveness is a prayer — communication to God — that transforms our very human body, the vessel for our soul, into a conduit for Divine Love that allows us to serve humanity, by loving them.

 

 

When we love someone, we desire their happiness (their ability to feel Joy). When we forgive someone, we love them anyway. We desire their happiness anyway. And the most effective way to get someone healed and back to that place of Joy (where they have no desire to hurt anyone else) is to give our desire for their happiness to God so God can use us as the conduit and return the favor! We ask God, “please let me be healed of all pain and sadness and let the other person be healed of all pain and sadness. Please don’t let ____ hurt anyone else in the same way they hurt me.” (Or, if we are forgiving someone for hurting someone else, “Please don’t let _____ hurt anyone else the way they hurt [whoever the somone else is.]“) You might try this the next time someone cuts you off on the road while driving. Or cuts someone else off on the road and almost causes an accident. Your physical body, via your heart chakra and physical heart, will become a conduit for God’s Love. The person you forgive is healed of any intentional desire to hurt others and any tendency to accidentally hurt others! Forgiving is the greatest act of love we will perform in our lifetime on Earth. It’s the most powerful service (3rd chakra) there is because it invokes love which heals pain and prevents future pain of the same nature, simply by asking God (communicating – 5th chakra) to fill the person we are forgiving with Love.

 

 

Now let’s touch on the 4/4 Mirror which we could call the Love/Forgiveness Mirror. Every time we forgive, our heart opens that much more and so does our soulmate’s. Additionally, the open heart causes the other chakras to open. So whenever we address an authority/money issue or a vision/creativity issue or a communication/power issue with Love — by forgiving — we lay the groundwork for taking resolution oriented action to solve the problem and (such awesome multitasking!) open our soulmate’s heart at the same time.

 

 

It all comes back to the heart. An issue may seem confined to one chakra but really, the issue was originally caused (and is perpetuated by) a closed fourth chakra. The chakra mirror math allows us to view and understand our entire etheric body, including the personality overlay comprised of geometric patterns, imprints, and wounds, which is part of the auric field, along with the chakras, in a detailed and holistic light.

 

 

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. This means a pie isn’t just crust + fruit + sugar + butter + spices, it’s a delicious dessert that we have labeled pie because the whole is greater than simply the sum of the ingredients. And the chakra system is greater than a 1st, a 2nd, a 3rd, a 4th, a 5th, a 6th and a 7th chakra. It’s a holistic, interdependent, system — much like the organs in the digestive system or the excretory system or the cardiovascular system. What effects one organ will have an effect on the others in that system, and then, because all of the systems are in turn interrelated, eventually on organs in another system (on your soulmate).

 

 

For more info on the chakras, you might enjoy reading the first 44 pages of CMM free on my other site.

Oneness: the whole point of Separation

Everyone has a soulmate and ideally this person isn’t only our other half, they are our other whole. In other words, they don’t need us to complete them and we don’t need them to feel complete. However, no matter how satisfied we are with the quality of our life, we’ll always feel that desire to love our soulmate.

 

 

Before we experienced Separation, when our souls were still merged with God in a state of blissful Oneness, we were experiencing ecstasy but we didn’t know it, couldn’t perceive it. God couldn’t allow us to perceive pleasure without also allowing us to perceive pain. This is because Separation from God allows us to feel everything — not just joy — and is the only way we could perceive anything, pleasurable or painful. And God wanted us to be able to perceive the very best thing of all: Oneness. When we were merged into Oneness with God in Heaven*, our soul had not yet separated from our soulmate’s soul. Therefore, Oneness with your soulmate is Oneness with God because the last time you experienced either was when you were experiencing both, before Separation. However, the only way we can ever perceive the depth of such bliss is through making love on Earth where Separation allows us to contrast the moment of Oneness with the moment of Separation before and after. To know that beauty, that incredible gift of being able to give one other human being a tangible reminder of what Heaven was, and is, here on Earth, during that reunion of souls, is the whole point of existing outside the cocoon of Oneness. The beauty of the merging of our soul with the other half of it, our soulmate’s soul, and the merge of that whole back into the heart of God, is to merge with all of creation, everywhere, to dissolve space and time boundaries and know the inspiration that drives the expansion of the entire Universe. To make love is to create love, and to create love is to know God.

 

 

This is because God is Love.

 

 

*Heaven is Oneness and could be defined as the inverse of a set of space and time coordinates because it is a state of existing without any Separation between the soul, its mate, and God at all; in other words, a total lack of space and time between.